Luke 23:34

"Father, why haters gotta hate?"

The New Testament

"Dude. Peace and love, man" said Jesus.

"Yeah, man" exclaimed the Disciples, pulling the bongs away from their mouths in order to take in this bit of wisdom. "We should tell people about this."

"Hold it right there!" interrupted the Jews. "Drugs are not allowed on public property."

"Wow, man, chill out" replied Jesus.

"That's it, I'm calling the Romans" said the Jews, exasperatedly.

"Jesus again?" the Romans sighed as they came upon Jesus' crew. "This time I'm going to have to arrest you."

"I haven't done anything wrong, dude. I know my rights" Jesus said, attempting to stand up but falling back down.

"That's it. Somebody find me a cross" the Romans said.

Mark 7:18-20

"Shit, son, doncha know nothin'?" Jesus asked, rhetorically. "Cops can't know you're hopped up just by lookin' atcha! They gotta do one of them urine tests and send it to the lab and shit.

"Like I always say: 'It ain't the stuff that goes in your body which fucks you up, it's the stuff that comes out!' " he said, with a knowing wink.

Mark 6:1

And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene had brought sweet spices, that she might come and anoint him. And when Jesus saw her he said, "Eh gurl, you gotta man? I ain't tryna holler atchu or nuthin' but tell yo man I say godDAMN."

Matthew 27:54

And when the Centurion saw all that had happened he said, "Gahdamn! This shit is fo realz!"

Mark 8:33

And Jesus said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan!" And Peter did so, because if someone found out he had cut in line, he'd be kicked out of FunLand.

Mark 8:29-30

Then Jesus asked, "Who do you think I am?"

And the Disciples answered, "Shit, Jesus! You tryna trick us or sumthin'? Youse the bitchinest, hotshit leader of us Bloods!"

And Jesus cussed at them, saying, "What the fuck? Don't say that out loud! They'ze got cops everywhere!"

1 Samuel 1-16

Saul: Shit.

David: The shit.

Psalm 47:2-3

Hey, gangstas, clap yo' hands.

Let's give a shout-out to God.

"For the Lord Most High is awesome."

Luke 22:54-62

And Peter said, "I dunno this niggah"

The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13)

Eh, God,

bitchin' be thy name.

Thy bitches come,

Thy gangstas give thee props,

In the city, as it is in thy ghetto.

Give us this day our daily crack

And don't bust caps in our asses, as we bust them in others'.

And lead us not into Crip territory, but deliver us from gun shots:

For thine is this ghetto, and the whores, and the crack-money, for ever.

Amen.

The Book of Chronicles

So...ya'lls remember all that shit in Kings and Samuel? All dat happened 'cause God said so. Got it?

Proverbs 3:5

You gotta trust this God guy. He knows a lot more shit than you do.

Matthew 6:19-20

Don't put your shit where assholes gon' take it. Give your shit to God: he's got your back.

Matthew 10:34

Jesus said, "I didn't come here to make friends. I'm here to kick some Pharisee ass."

Lamentations

Jerusalem sucks

Luke 22:47

And Judas went up to Jesus and kissed him on the cheek like, "No homo."

1 Kings 18

It came to pass that Baal's crew was frontin' so Elijah threw down. He was all, "Where Baal at?" And they were all, "He's on his way." And Elijah was like, "Where he at? I don't see nothin'." And Baal's crew said, "Oh yeah, where yo God at?" Elijah cupped his hands and yelled, "Yo, God!" All of a sudden the fuzz came outta nowhere and busted Baal's crew but Elijah legged it outta there.

Matthew 13:11

Jesus's crew was all, "Why you gotta talk like that, Jesus? All them parables and shit."
Jesus answered his disciples, saying, "Quitcho bitchin' "

Ezekiel 18

Israel was all like, "God can suck my dick!" And Ezekiel got up in his grill and said, "Shit, son. You best be careful talkin' like that in God's 'hood"

Matthew 5:13-16

Ye are the cougars of the earth: but if the ho is chubby, wherewith shall the cougar-hunters seduce?

Neither do men put a condom on their finger, but on their penis so bitch don't get preggers.

Let your ass so bounce before men that they may see your good junk, and glorify your father

Psalm 23

The Lord is my pimp; I'll have shit-tons of Johns.

He maketh me to lie down in cheap motels: he leadeth me at 2AM.

He restoreth my vag; he leadeth me to the crack dealers.

Yea, though I walk past the police station I will fear no arrest for thou art with me.

Thou anointest my needle-poked veins.

Surely sex-deprived lunatics shall follow me all my life

and I will dwell in the streets of the Lord for ever

Joshua 3

Joshua parted the crowds and the children of Israel crossed into Canaan on dry land. On that night the Lord rejoiced and did the stanky leg.

Luke 22:1-20

On the day of the passover, Jesus looked upon his apostle posse (=aposse), lifted his pimp-chalice only to realize that his cup runneth dry. So he sent Peter's bitch-ass to the liquor store.

Exodus 4

And God looked upon Moses' doubtful face and said: "You can do it put your back into it"

Genesis 1:27

On the sixth day God created man. And on the seventh God created bitches and could no longer rest.

The First Commandment

Thou shalt not steal another man's bitch...unless she fine as box wine

John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the word was "Da-amn." And God was like, "Didn't anyone ever tell you that the bird is the word?"

Ecclesiastes

Life blows

Exodus

And Pharaoh was all, "Yo, chillun of Israel! Ya'll so weak youse gotta call this Yahweh loser to come help ya'll out?"

And Mosizzle replied, "Ah, HELL naw. Ya'll did NOT just diss on my homeboy!" And Pharaoh was afflicted with herpes.

Joshua 6

And then Joshua busted some caps in Jericho's ass

The Book of Job

God: "You my bitch, Job" (Takes everything Job has away from him)

Job: "Aw, shit. Whatevs, God. Ta'int no thang."

God: "J.K." (returns everything Job had)

Gen 21

I'mma kill you, Isaac. Hold up, nevah mind.

Psalms

God fucking rocks

Matthew 5:3-12

Blessed are the crack dealers for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the gangsters, for they shall not have caps busted in their asses.

Blessed is the grape drank for it is purple-est in flavor.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after poon tang, for they shall get action.

Blessed are they who put out, for they shall be filled.

Blessed are the hos for they hit the flo'.

Blessed are the fags, for they shall be called the children of God.

Leviticus 18

And Moses asked, "Lord, what if I want to fornicate?"

And the Lord replied, "When it comes to condoms, put two on."

Exodus 7

Suck it! I'm the Lord thy fuckin' God, bitches.